The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to by Michael P Nichols

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From day one, they relate to the baby as both an actual and a potential self. Our impulse toward understanding is irresistible. 5 “What’s that frown for? ” Mothers don’t really believe the infant understands, but they assign meaning to what their infants are doing and respond accordingly. In time, they create little formats of interaction, jointly constructed little worlds. This is the child’s first culture. ”). In so doing, parents are responding to and helping create an emergent self. Such motives and intentions make human behavior understandable, and parents invariably treat their infants as understandable beings—that is, as the people they are to become (just so long as they become the people their parents want them to become).

The listened-to child who becomes ill or injured at school will confidently turn to teachers for support. In contrast, it’s particularly at such times that insecure children fail to seek contact. “A boy is disappointed and folds his arms and sulks. A girl bumps her head under a table and crawls off to be by herself. ”10 Such reactions are typical—and don’t change much as the unlistened-to child gets older. Preschoolers with a history of empathic listening are more engaged and more at ease with their peers.

The baby reaches out excitedly and grabs a toy. ” and looks at her mother. ” The mother has understood and shared the child’s mood. That’s attunement. One demonstration of the baby’s need for an attuned response is the still-face procedure. If a mother (or father) goes still-faced—­impassive and expressionless—in the middle of an interaction, the baby will become upset and withdraw. Infants after about two-and-a-half months of age react strongly to this still face. They look about. Their smile dies away and they frown.